December 22, 2005

8:17 AM - 12/22/05
~Listen to the madman

Years ago I'd have said that I just slept for about 9 hours. Now, I think I'd best add that I woke up about 6 times in that 9 hours. Still, the sleep was much needed.

Had an odd thought upon waking... about dreams. How is it that in our dreams, there are other peope, even people we know? I mean, it's obviously not them. They're awake, doing something somewhere. We, obviously, "create" them in our heads while we're sleeping. How is that though? I mean, I'm going along in my dream, being my usual self, and then... I can create a whole bunch of other people too? With personalities? and interact with them? How is that possible? Rather complex to hold onto my own personality, let alone create a whole bunch more that aren't me... and that I seem to have no control over. In my dream, when another person says something, I didn't know they were going to say what they said... but yet I created them and am controlling them in my dream? If I am my own brain, what part of me is being them?

I guess it's like when I "hear voices". It's probably the same thing. They probably come from the same place. A place in my brain I cannot control... which controls itself.

Often, when I'm "flaring" the voices are deafeningly loud... and there are many of them... and there's nothing I can do to tune them out. It's like being in a train station.

Voices. Sometimes, when I feel particularly bold, I try to home in... try to listen to what they're saying. Sometimes, what I hear scares me.

So, is it that I scare myself... is it that what's inside of me scares me? or is it that it scares me to think that there's a part of myself, which has a personality, that I cannot control?

Sometimes, in the past, I listened to the voices while trying to fall asleep. Focusing like that, sometimes, would help. Falling asleep is often difficult. The voices are sometimes a low droning sound. It's when one pops out of the hum that I'm back to square one with attempting to sleep... depending on what it says.

Don't get me wrong. I know that the voices are in my head. I can tell that they're not outside of me. That said though, they do get "loud". It's tough to explain, but even though they're in my head, they still hurt my ears... or maybe they're poking at the part of my brain that controls my ears, I don't know. It's like... the ear drum didn't rattle, but the voice, or voices, got there anyway... and yes, sometimes it's deafening... I can't really hear... or focus on anything else... some sort of overload.

Yes, and sometimes the voices keep me up... so I have a drink, or twelve, trying to stop the racket.

Just for the record, Lamictal does not stop the voices.

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1:59 PM - 12/22/05
~If only

Read about some new, promising research. I started daydreaming. This is where I ended up...

10 things I would like to do if I could get my brain (and the rest of my body) to a "never had MS" condition.

1. Get my shit together
2. Spend more time with my brother
3. Legally change my name (yes, again.)
4. Return to Philly
5. Organize my writing
6. Spend some time drumming again
7. Travel to spend time with those dear to me
8. Get through Med School and become a doctor
9. Take care of my best friend and her son
10. Finish my (30x42) drawing

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2:04 PM - 12/22/05
The hit count (16) Passed 46K

46,020

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10:23 PM - 12/22/05
~Badump Bump

Can't get to the sleep point.

Watched a show on Richard Pryor. It was only about a half hour long, on BET. Of course, they said he died from a heart attack. I listened as they spoke of him... related all too much. The more recent pictures of him made me sad. His sadness was evident.

Laughter. It's vital. If you can't laugh, life is hell. I've always managed to get people laughing. It's odd. I'll run across people I knew when I was a kid, and what they remember about me is how funny I was. I don't feel so funny anymore... and I know that most of my blog entries don't come across that way. I suppose that I use this blog to vent... get the angry stuff out... bitch... whine... moan... complain. I still laugh though, in person, with friends... we laugh. Shoot, I've even got strangers in the food store to laugh just by talking loud enough. Richard made me laugh. I think that translates into "Richard helped make life worth living."

MS is brutal. Often, it makes one paranoid. It stops people from laughing and makes them yell instead. It stops people from being able to laugh at the world, and makes people want to kill themselves to get away from it instead.

Chain smoking. I shouldn't smoke. It might give me lung cancer. BWAAAAahahahahahahahaahha !!!!!! HAAAAAaahahahahahaha!!!!

couldn't resist