December 28, 2005

7:57 AM - 12/28/05
~EEG day

I'm not supposed to have caffeine, so I can't have my usual coffee. Grrr

I have no clue how this thing will go. Either it won't be a problem at all, or it'll be complete hell. Taking pictures of my brain is one thing, purposely trying to make it do its worst is another. Being watched while it's doing its worst? VERY not something I want.

Hopefully I'll be able to write later on this evening. If not, things didn't go too ok.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

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6:41 PM - 12/28/05
~Faking it

So, it's done with. It could have been worse, but it could have been better.

I got to show the tech what one of my more intense "seizures" looks like. woohoo.

I got to, again, be graced with a "I've never seen _________ before!" in reference to one of my "Cutter is fucked up" symptoms. joy.

It's now on my chart that I am VERY photosensitive. woohoo and joy.

Thankfully, no one was hurt.

Now, I get to wait for the results.

woohoo, joy, and good grief.


There was some comic relief though... I have to say that. The tech was great. While she was putting the electrodes on my head, I shared my ideas about what I was going to do after the EEG. I thought that my plan just made sense. I looked like I had some horrible disease, due to the colored dots all over my head, so why not use that to my advantage? It only makes sense to sneeze on the produce at the food store! I thought that maybe, if they had to throw it away, I could get it for free, or at least, a discount. After discussing it though, I thought the lobster tank would make more sense. Lobsters are hard to come by these days. WAY too expensive.

The end of the appointment was really funny. We were discussing people who actually come in there and attempt to fake seizures, and she told a story, no names used, of course, about how one woman came in and attempted to fake seizures during the test, stopping and starting with every flash of the light. Given, she was washing the goop off of my head at the time, so I couldn't see her, but from what RavensWings told me she was attempting to show what the woman was doing by moving her hands back and forth. The story was funny enough without seeing the play by play. I think I would have pissed myself if I had.

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8:30 PM - 12/28/05
~hmmm

Well, I did some more reading, just now, and I found that "Reflex Epilepsy" seems like it might be more accurate than "Temporal Lobe"... if it's Epilepsy at all. All I know is that what causes the seizures, aside from the "staring" type seizures, is usually flashes of light, and certain patterns. With both light flashes and specific patterns, the seizures are both scary and embarrassing. If I stare off into space, and that's a seizure, I can deal with that. If I think I'm a creature from another universe, I can handle that. The other ones, the seizures where I seem to attempt to convulse my way through walls and under tables, I cannot deal with those at all.

Here I go with the "not knowing" stage. I'm going to obsess about this until I hear from Neurodude... and if he doesn't have any info for me based on the tests, I don't know what I'm going to do... other than feel frustrated. I guess I'll have to go back to attributing it to my MS. I remember my first "seizure" at about age 10 though... or, maybe it was even earlier than that. I was at a Day Care center called "Neighborhood Center", at a playground nearby. I think that it was called "Max Meyers", or something like that. I'm pretty sure that it was about the time of the fire. I guess that would've made me between 7 and 10. That's pretty darn early to be showing signs of MS. I was in a tree, and the limb had been attacked by something. Maybe bugs, maybe a woodpecker, but it was dotted... there were holes... lines of holes. I started shaking and really going off. I'm pretty sure that I actually fell out of the tree.

Thinking about it though.... there was something in Israel... a "Wildlife" card with something on it that I had the same reaction to. I don't really remember what animal it was, but I want to say it was a moth or something... something with a pattern on it. That would have made me about 5 or 6.

I have a few "seizure" stories. Cage can vouch for the little fish problem I have. That's pattern related too. I can't look at certain fishes. I'll go into convulsions and... well, react the same way I did today.

I've been searching for an answer to this problem forever. I don't even want to go into what I went through in "therapy" attempting to get at some hidden psychological cause.

I just hope that the EEG can produce something. Out of all the problems in my life, this one has caused me the most frustration. I just want to get at the answer so badly. There HAS to be an answer.

It's the last puzzle piece. If I can just fit it into the puzzle... my life MIGHT make some sense to me.