December 17, 2005

9:41 AM - 12/17/05
~Chemically Yours

Feeling pretty crappy, as usual. Put myself out last night. I guess that I'm still groggy from that, but then, I was groggy yesterday, before putting myself out. I can never tell anymore. I don't know what my actual "baseline" is. I do wonder about it. I wonder how I would feel without any drugs at all, in my system. Everything is a drug, though. Even food and water.... technically, they're just chemicals too... technically, I'm just chemicals too. The whole world is just chemicals.

I wish I could do a "fast". Years ago, I did one. I forget how many days I went... either 3 or 5. Didn't do much for me. It's tempting though. I guess that I don't learn easily. It's like quitting drinking... Every now and again, I stop, just to see if "they" are right. "They" aren't right though. Alcohol has nothing to do with any of my problems, except maybe the financial problems. It's about $20 a week that I spend on alcohol. Though, if I didn't, I'd spend it on other beverages or food, so it's not really a big issue.

Despite the "upper" I'm consuming at the moment (aka - Coffee), my eyes keep closing. Another day of bed and tv. This is getting really old.

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12:27 PM - 12/17/05
The hit count (12)

44,916

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2:47 PM - 12/17/05
~back to bed

What little I really wanted to do today, I couldn't manage to do. All I wanted to do was get a shower, take out the trash, and check my mail. All I really managed to do was crawl back into bed. "Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else." used to be enough, when I was having a bad day. Now, just about every day is a bad day... and "Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else." just isn't enough. There's so much I want to do, but even sitting down in front of the computer to write is taxing. Everything is taxing. I can barely hold myself up.

I'm sorry.

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2:52 PM - 12/17/05
I commented:

Some previous comments were bulk deleted by ~blog, while they were trying to take care of problems on the ~blog site. Please accept my apologies.

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11:13 PM - 12/17/05
The hit count (13) - passed the 45K mark

45,032

...and hey, that's with a 3 month break! ;)