December 8, 2005

12:06 PM - 12/8/05
I replied to a comment in "temper temper"

They tried me on Depakote. I stopped taking it because I couldn't stop grinding my teeth. Tegretol was too harsh on the stomach, and made my vision too dark. Neurontin makes me nauseous. None of it does any good. :\

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12:57 PM - 12/8/05
~spare change

I want a beer.

I did drink myself to sleep last night though, so I'm feeling something along the lines of guilt about having a beer this early in the day. Still subconsciously blaming drugs and alcohol. Deep scars. Deep programming.

I'm tired, as usual. Thinking about tomorrow... the MRI, the fact that it's supposed to snow. It'll be my fourth MRI in a few days over a year.

I really don't know what I want to see on this MRI. There's a part of me, deep down inside, that wants to see that it's worse... to have visible proof of the progression. Not just because I need to feel validated, but because I'm so damn tired of this life thing. ...like a message that says "Don't worry. It'll be over soon. Almost there."

So many people are so full of advice... but no one can tell me that things will be ok. No one is in the position to make them ok. The only two people on this planet who can make things ok aren't interested. They're too busy making things ok for themselves... and pointing fingers at me. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. I scare them.

The best is my mother claiming that she "tried to help me" but I wouldn't accept her help. What a crock.

This is the deal, folks. When you're giving someone something, you don't get to tell them how to use it. When you offer help, you don't get to choose what someone needs. If you want to help someone, if you want to give something to someone, just give them the benefit of the doubt... give them a little credit. Maybe they know better what's best for them than you do.

It's like not giving your spare change to homeless people because they might buy drugs with it. Who the fuck are you to tell anyone what is right or wrong for them? You either help someone out, or you don't. So what if the person buys drugs with it? How is that hurting you? Who are you to decide what is harmful to another person? Who are you to tell someone that they're not allowed to harm themselves if that is what they want?

Yeah, my mother tried to help... right. What my mother did was try to save face and try to use me to help herself. After that, I stopped speaking to her again. I think that was in 2002.

When I called her, after getting the diagnosis, and she said, "What do you want me to do about it?", I snapped. Not because I thought there was any way she could jump in a car and come rescue me, or because I thought she had money to send me. I snapped because all I wanted was to hear, and to feel, "Don't worry. Everything will be ok. I'm here for you." All I wanted was a hug from my mommy.

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4:52 PM - 12/8/05
The hit count (7)

42,735

Some really complimentary comments lately. Makes me feel good.