December 29, 2005

9:40 AM - 12/29/05
~Dream On

Spoke with Neurodude, briefly. Called Neurology and had him paged as soon as I woke up. He said that he'll be talking to them today, and that he'll definitely call me back today. He told me that he wants me to stay on the Lamictal, and see if higher doses will have an effect, even though it hasn't done me any good that I can really notice yet.

I'm still really tired. I almost just went back to sleep after hanging up from Neurodude, but I really wanted coffee. My eyes keep closing as I'm sitting here, so I'll probably get back into bed, but I don't know how well I'll sleep. I'm waiting for that callback. For all I know though, it'll be at 8:00 tonight.

I'm trying to stay away from the Epilepsy sites. It could be something else entirely, and it could be nothing at all. For all I know, it's all "in my head".

Siouxsie Sioux was in my dream. I just thought of that. I think that "in my head" led to the song "Zombie", which led to thinking about the lead singer of the Cranberries, which led to remembering the image of Siouxsie. Odd dream. She was really glad to see me. She looked her current age, I guess, but was wearing a lot of make up, like "back in the day". I was all cut up... my arms. I suppose, sort of what I looked like "back in the day" as well. My friend L. was in the dream too. Some weird thing about trying to get me to come stay with her, but someone else was trying to get me stay with them in another State... somewhere out in the Northwest, I think.

The dream didn't feel really bad. The people in it felt warm and familiar.

It was a dream I wouldn't mind finishing.

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10:40 AM - 12/29/05
The hit count (18)

Holy Hell!

You're flyin'...

Feel good?

I suppose. Never enough though. It gets addicting. More more more. :\ Make more people want to read. Post more. Twisted.

47,500 now

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5:38 PM - 12/29/05
~waiting

Still waiting for the phone to ring.

I really fucking HATE this.

Trying not to let myself jump to any conclusions, but the later it's getting, the more time I have to fail miserably at that.

There's a lot resting on this... a lot resting on the answer. It's the difference between "something else happened" and knowing that I have full access to my life. If it's not physiological, then it's psychological, and I CANNOT do the damn psychological thing ANY MORE. I can't analyze myself anymore. I can't dig anymore. I can't keep combing through my past with a fine toothed comb!

If you had to think about, analyze, and deal with everything you've ever said or done, or even thought about, and everything that's ever been said or done to you, over and over and over again, for about 20 years, what sort of condition do you think that you'd be in?!?

I need it to end!

--------------------------------------------

5:48 PM Neurodude called
If it was a seizure, it was in a part of my brain too deep for the electrodes to pick up.

Stay tuned, I'm back to being completely fucking suicidal.

Happy fucking New Year.

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8:58 PM - 12/29/05
~FTW

The reality that this isn't going to stop... isn't going to get better... sometimes I can delude myself...

It's like that EEG. I guess that I thought that they'd magically find something... that all of a sudden everything about my life would make some sort of sense... that some of the confusion would stop.

I sit here, my head hurting and throbbing from some electrical hum that I cannot locate. It's not in my head. When I cover my ears, I cannot hear it. Earlier, my ears were ringing very loudly. That was in my brain. It didn't go away if I covered my ears. My left leg collapsed once today. That was in my brain. There's nothing actually wrong with my leg. If I get stressed and my arm starts to shake, that's in my head. If I can relax, the shaking stops.

So, being that there's nothing showing on the EEG, where do the "seizures" come from? If it's not in my brain, where is it? It's not something I choose to do. It just happens, and it stops when it's ready to. Some of them seem to be triggered by certain external things, like flashes of light or patterns... some of them are more extreme than others. Some of them come out of the blue, but they're mostly milder.

I'm feeling pretty adamant about this. There's something wrong. Perhaps it is too deep in my brain for the electrodes to pick up... and even if that's the case, there's nothing they can do about it. Just keep taking the meds which, so far, don't do shit. Why am I so pissed off about this? Because of being called "crazy" throughout the majority of my life. Because listening to doctors ruined my life. Because something is wrong, and I want to know what exactly it is. I don't care if it's Psychological. I've already learned how to live with the worst Psych diagnosis out there, I don't care if it's something else, just tell me what it is! I've learned, through being afraid of being called a hypochondriac, to keep my mouth shut. If it hurts? Shut up about it. Don't let them see you limp. Don't let them see you collide with the wall. Don't let people see you in pain. Don't let them see, they'll just say you're crazy and tell you that there's nothing really wrong but tell you to "take this pill anyway". I CAN'T CONTROL THIS. I can't hide it! I'm not just thinking that there's something wrong! If it's PTSD, FINE! Tell me what caused it! I'll work on it, face it, deal with it, suck it's damn dick if it'll help! I don't want drugs. I don't want hospitalizations. I don't even really want the damn attention! I just WANT IT TO STOP!!!!!

Do you know what it's like to fear people with cameras because you might end up in jail because of them? Let me tell you then... IT SUCKS!!!!!

I'm so sick of this shit.

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11:16 PM - 12/29/05
~beer good

Watched ER. Drank a couple of beers. Trying to stay calm.

See, that's the Psych stuff. I know one from the other. My getting ANGRY like that is Psych stuff. Not that it's not valid, it's just not coming from something Physiological. I got angry. I felt frustrated. It poked at some of my issues. That's Psych stuff.

Tremor. Intense Rage. Tiredness. Weakness. Memory loss. That's MS stuff.

Those "seizures"? That's neither. With MS, sometimes seizures happen. Like I said, sometimes I have them "out of the blue". I have lesions on my brain, it's completely understandable. Those intense ones though... nope. I've had them for too long. It's not MS realted, unless you can be born with MS.

I'm going to have to work with Neurodude. The way I see it, if he's willing to send me to a Neuropsych to rule out Mental Illness, he should be willing to send me to a General Neurologist to rule out other Neurophysiological problems. He's supposed to be a General Neurologist, Resident or not, I choose HIM.

Hey, I'm one way to learn about Neurology.

Wish that humming sound would stop. It's only in this room (the "living room"), not in the bedroom.

Argh.