December 21, 2005

1:30 AM - 12/21/05
~Damn Brain

No rash yet, from what I can see... but I'm, obviously, having trouble sleeping.

Thinking about the whole Temporal Lobe Epilepsy thing... The more I read about it, the more scared I'm getting. I don't know why. There are a lot of symptoms I've had for years... decades... They're not typical MS symptoms, but textbook Epilepsy symptoms. They too were attributed to my "DID". When my head "goes off"... yeah... right.. that may well be a seizure, not personalities "switching". When I flip out when someone starts with the camera... during my Evoked Potentials testing for MS... the fucking flashing ads... the computer graphics that set me off (inside info here, but the "TOP eye" does it, even though I love it)... the ceiling fan problems... flipping out at concerts, and bars... What about those patterns that make me go into convulsions?

I'm petrified thinking that they might do something with lights during my EEG next week.

...and you know what? What the FUCK?! and WHY ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

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7:38 AM - 12/21/05
~Pain sucks

Going out for lunch today with "RavensWings". I'll appreciate her company, and the ability to get out of the house. If I'm lucky, I'll do ok while out.

Last night was not too fun. Wasn't able to fall asleep until after 5AM. A LOT of pain, and some really fucked up shit with my eyes. Too, my ears were ringing worse than usual, and that really hurt.

I don't see any evidence of a rash yet, so I suppose I'll take the next dose, at 11AM. I don't know that it's making me feel any better, and I don't know if it had anything to do with last night's pain and dose of Insomnia. I suppose that I'll see what happens.

Wish I weren't so damn tired.

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3:37 PM - 12/21/05
~monotone

I feel numbed out. It's not a very good feeling. I don't know that it's bad either though. At least I'm not in a rage.

I wonder if I could live like this... no excessive ups or downs... just monotone. Feeling things intensely does have a value to me. If nothing else, I think that it makes me who I am, on an artistic level. I've said, in the past, that being a good writer is all about the ability to turn mole hills into mountains. I think that what has made me a good writer, in the past, is that to me, most mole hills are indeed perceived by me as mountains. Whether or not they are, they seem that way to me. It's about intensity... it's about passion. It's about turning water into wine so that people understand what you're getting at. It's about getting people to FEEL right along with you. I can say or write, "I don't like you." or I can say or write, "I want to rip your eyelids off and piss in your face!" Which makes the point? Which makes MY point? I suppose that depends on what I feel at the moment.

"I want to rip your eyelids off and piss in your face!" is a whole hell of a lot more entertaining.