December 26, 2005

12:20 AM - 12/26/05
~More on God

So, let me go on some more about God.

Long ago, God began speaking to me. Often, God speaks to me. I call the voice "God", because I just figure it must be. For all I know, it's Peter fucking Pan, but it's a whole hell of a lot more glamorous to call the voice "God".

So... "God" said to me... there are only two things... two words you need to remember...

"Love" and "Create".

Hate comes easy. It takes no effort. It's a knee jerk reaction. To love, that takes work... but it's work that is worth it. Good comes from Love.

Destruction is inevitable. If you walk across a field, you destroy blades of grass. Death is part of life. Destruction takes no effort. Create. Destruction will naturally happen. Creation takes work, but it's work that's worth it. Creation makes life eternal.

Then, I looked in the mirror, and I looked into the eyes of God.

...and there was light.

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1:21 PM - 12/26/05
~Explanations

My writing has always been a bit cryptic....a lot of metaphor and vague references to things.... double and triple meanings... especially when I'm "altered". Sometimes, words just come out of me... from somewhere else, so to speak.

I've always worried about people reading and judging me by a piece of my writing. That's another reason why I've not shared too much of it with other people... why I've warned people away from snooping. I feared that someone would read into something I wrote and despise me based on what they took from it... or that they'd love me for it, and eventually I'd let them down because they didn't take the time to investigate the whole picture. Either way, I lose.

I can't expect everyone to read my entire blog, that's why I keep the "100 Things" list readily available. There, I tried to hit on things that I felt were important to know about me. There are a few people who have read my entire blog... and I'm honored that they did. I'm honored that they still read.

I'm quick to roll my eyes at people. When people stop by my blog once and leave a comment, although I appreciate the comment, sometimes I still shake my head and say "huh?" It's not their fault though, it's my own intolerance that's the problem... my own impatience... my own raw nerves.

People often mean well, and I'll bite their heads off, or want to, for something they do or say. I expect patience from others... a chance to apologize, once I understand what it is that they meant, or what the problem was. I give people the same courtesy though. If they upset me, I give them all the time in the world to explain. I react strongly, but I forgive easily. I mess up a lot, and I guess I figure people will forgive me. Often, they don't... more often than not, actually.

I'll wait forever for apologies from people I love. I'll accept apologies from people that have hurt me intensely. I'll let people back into my life that hurt me so badly that I had to walk away. I'll even work extra to give them the opportunity to walk back into my life. I'll let people back into my life that walked away from me... and I often beg for those who walked to forgive me.

It's a problem. I expect everyone else to be just like me. I'm completely confused when they're not. I expect people to be able to forgive.

At some point I'll figure it all out. At some point too, I'll figure out how to apologise myself, even if I don't understand why I'm apologizing. Sometimes, "I'm sorry that I hurt you." is enough. The explanations can come later.

I'm working on it.

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9:47 PM - 12/26/05
~horizontally motivated

I'm going to drink a cup of wine, stare at the tv, take my meds, and try to sleep.

Bunny forgave me for the pillow incident. I think that it helped smooth things over because I finally changed my sheets. They were pretty gross.

I'd written more, but I just deleted it. I think that I'm just too tired to analyze life, the universe, and everything anymore today. (Wish I could remember the proper punctuation for that last sentence.)

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10:42 PM - 12/26/05
The hit count (17) tired

Just crossed the 47,000 mark.