~patterns
Having paranoia problems. It's mild, so far, but I have to be wary. It starts off small, but then builds into completely debilitating.
I keep looking back... searching for patterns. I keep asking myself when the last time was I felt this way. The answer is "never", but it's about scale. It's about things going from bad to worse to dangerous. If I'm at "bad" now, when does worse kick in? What can I do to avoid "Dangerous"? What can I do to bring it on? Is there really a way to know before it hits?
My head is swimming... racing... noisy. In DID-speak, I'd say that there was a lot of arguing going on. A lot of it is very loud, and very angry... very threatening. There are some "personalities" that are stronger than others. It's much easier to turn things over to them.
I think about that a lot... how maybe, back in '94, or maybe even before that, I developed DID to deal with the MS and its symptoms. It's a theory. Dissociating from pain makes sense. DID is a very intelligent response to trauma. Why wouldn't I dissociate? What sense would it make to deal with the pain if I didn't have to?
Maybe it wasn't a misdiagnosis, maybe it was just an incomplete one.
11:12 AM - 12/23/05
(Ottawa Team Unravels Brain Damage in MS)
It's certainly something to investigate.
I'm lactose intolerant... always have been, to the point where they had to get goat's milk for me when I was a little kid. So... I don't know if that means milk is worse for my myelin or not. I'd think that I took in less calcium than most, being that I've avoided milk all my life.
but... I've also always avoided the sun. Mid-day sun is where you can get Vitamin D from.
but... I've always indulged, more so than most, in foods rich in Vitamin D... (Maybe that's why I always CRAVE sushi though... my body wants the Vitamin D)
too much calcium... I'm very prone to cysts....
I'm...
TOO MUCH CALCIUM MAN!!!!
I don't know. I supose that it's as likely as anything else.
My question is, even if there's something to stop it, how do you UNdo the damage already caused?
2:31 PM - 12/23/05
~Jesus was born in March
Got my new Medicare Rx drug coverage info in the mail. I'm so confused. I have no clue what any of it means. I don't know what I'm covered for, or what I'm not covered for. I have no clue if I have a co-pay or not. I can't handle making the phone calls.
I really really want to just stop meds altogether.
I wasn't meant to be alive. Modern medicine... messes up the natural order of things. I was breech. If not for "modern medicine", I'd not have made it. That's the way I see it.
Is this "depression"? I don't know. I'm just tired of it all.
It's Christmas time. Mary, kiss m'ass. People like me, we hate it. It's like being beat with a Norman Rockwell painting. Falalalala lala la la. Rudolf the tasty Reindeer. Pass the salt. Comet! The other white meat! Tis the season to go into debt and fake like you're happy about all of it.
Wonder if Santa got his new Medicare D information. Wonder if Mrs. Claus is covered too. I doubt the elves are.
I remember, one Christmas... "Let it snow" meant something else entirely... and it did snow. That was a fun Christmas... the best ever, actually. I miss my old neighbor. She too, was the best ever.
Here I go, down the end of December drain. It's the final ass kicking of the year.
I have alcohol and head meds. Bring it on, Santa.
9:54 PM - 12/23/05
journals
(posted by N.)
i was listening to npr radio today at work during my break. they were playing a reading of someone's journal, about their adventures as santa's elf. that made me think of a previous story i heard on npr, where a man lost like 50 years worth of journaling in the flooding caused by hurricane katrina. he was devistated.
that in turn, made me think about deleting about 3 years worth of blogging i did a few weeks ago. i'm still not sure why i deleted all those blog posts, but it was sort of like a cleansing. sometimes i wish i would have at least printed them all out before i deleted them.
and that, in turn, made me think of you, ...about all the stuff you've printed out, all the posts and things you've written over the years, and how you also lost a bunch of it at some point. i don't remember all of the details.
anyway, just wanted to let you know i thought of you today...
(my reply)
So much was lost... hundreds, if not thousands of pages. Between my flare and the board hacking... it was pretty messed up.
but...
at least I had some control... delusional or not. Hacking aside, I had the chance to choose what meant the most to me, to a point.
I cannot imagine what that man went through... what he is still going through.
I wish I could tell him... it's in there... your head... it's in your head. NO ONE can take that away. I keep telling myself that, anyway. Sometimes, it helps.
I think of you often, N. If I can ever make it to Phoenix(?)... I'll smile.
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