December 30, 2005

1:19 AM - 12/30/05
~Neurodude

I just wanted to say something about "Neurodude".

I only call him that because he's 1) younger than I am, and 2) on the "Hottie" scale, he rivals Goran Visnjic. I'm not into him, really, but being who I am, I know the scale.

I never mean him any disrespect. He's one of the nicest doctors I've ever had to deal with. He tries, and that's #1 in my book. He could miss that I have a big ol' brain tumor and I wouldn't care. He's nice, he seems to respect me, and that's all that matters. I can look anything up online that I want to. I don't need him to be a walking Medical Dictionary. (Thank Scooby, because his English is atrocious!) I just need him to pull the strings and do the research I cannot do. "Dude! I'm seeing Ham and Cheese Sandwiches!...and they DON'T like me!" "Ok... try this medication. They say it helps." "DUDE! I can't take that! There's law suits!" "Ok... we can try youraboobmatol." "You rock! Thanks Neurodude!"

I hope that he always stays "Neurodude". Those old Neurocrunchies need to go the way of the LP.

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5:34 PM - 12/30/05
~Semi here

I've been trying to get to the point of being able to write all day. I'm pushing myself to even write this.

I feel like crap. I'm tired, and my brain is stuck at "Duh".

There's a Law & Order marathon on. That's about where I'm at... stare at the tv.

Everything is overwhelming me.

Maybe it's from drinking. I had a few beers last night. Sometimes depression goes along with rebounding from that.

I feel like crawling into a hole. My bed will have to do though.

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11:13 PM - 12/30/05
~Al Coehall

I remember being at my neighbor's house, before I left PA... I think it was Thanksgiving or Easter... one of those holidays. Her family was there, and somehow the subject of drinking came up. We were all drinkers so, no big surprise there. My neighbor's mom was there, along with a lot of other friends and family. I forget the actual "question", but what it amounted to was, "Why do you drink?"

After everyone had given their 40 ounces worth, I took my turn. I answered, "I drink to feel normal." That, oddly, got laughter from my neighbor's mom. Seems most people drink to get drunk, or to get a buzz, or to pass out. Me? I drink to feel normal. Before you jump to the "alcoholic" argument, let me explain.

When I don't drink, I feel more pain. When I don't drink... when I don't drink I actually feel this damned disease. If I drink, I can pretend that my eyes are fucked up from the alcohol... I can pretend I'm falling and losing my balance from the alcohol... I can pretend that I'm nauseous, or angry, or weepy, or lost... because of the alcohol. If I don't drink, even after going from HEAVY drinker to non-drinker, and giving it ample time to get out of my system, I FEEL SICK.

I drink to feel normal. I drink to feel like anyone who has been drinking feels, even if I'm still sober.

So, if you want to know what (my) MS feels like, just get REALLY drunk. Then, take it all in for about 24 hours or so from when you started drinking.

That's Cutter's world, sober or not.

I drink because I think that maybe, if I can get drunk, I'll understand everyone else a little better... even if it's at their worst. It's the closest I can really get to relating.

I also drink because I'm bored, but that's another entry.