~15 part 4

July 22, 1985

Reading over the past, I see that I changed a whole hell of a lot, but in many ways stayed the same...

There's a thunderstorm raging outside. I'm scared. Today was the first day in years I was actually scared. It bothers me alot. I never used to get scared. It just started today when I woke up with that awful dream. I feel like running, running and running till I collapse and die. But I think that now I'd even be afraid of dying. Shit I was never afraid of death. But I guess I'm afraid of things I can't understand. Life and Death. Shit. I'll just keep writing.

Y'know, I wish that Art had taken me in in March 84 when I wanted him to. I probably wouldn't have run away and fucked myself up in school. Now I have an extra year to tackle.

My sexuality kept changing from straight to gay to bi, to gay to bi. What's the scoop? I think I finally made my mind up, but will I change it in another year? I don't think so, I don't feel confused or scared of being gay anymore, and I actually consider myself a guy. Anyway, what determines gender, he or she, male or female. Tits? a Dick? Appearance? Sexual preference? Attitude? What?!!! Do you know? Society does! And society sees me as a guy, so that makes me one, I see myself as a guy, so that makes me one, in my book.

Running away. Now that's a hell of a topic to cover. Why did I do it? Because I HAD TO. I don't regret it.

Family. Damn, that's quite a touchy subject. I want a mother. I guess I sort of have one in my shrink, she's like a fill in for everyone I don't have, I think it's called transference or something, I'm not up on Psychology. But it's true. She's the female figure in my life right now. And my best friend, the only one I can talk to and feel safe.

...the storm is over. I think I'll stop and relax, maybe go to sleep. It's 2:45 AM and I'm a bit tired.