~Choice

I've always valued my freedom. I've always appreciated being able to do things because I wanted to do them, not because I had to. True, over the last few years, I've been in a shitty position. There are certain things that I have to do to stay alive... to keep a roof over my head... but... I've still maintained a certain degree of "freedom".

Yes, I'm free (to do what I want, any old time), but I do make use of my IQ. I think things through. My decisions are well thought out, not impulsive, not motivated by deep rooted psych issues. I've become one of the most cognitive people I know. I think before I do. I think after I do. I analyze. I make changes. I stay aware. It doesn't matter that I feel like killing people sometimes. I have enough of a brain to choose not to. It doesn't change that I feel that way, but it does change the course of my life... from a life in lock up to a life of freedom. "Impulse control", I think they call it, and I, luckily, have a lot of it.

Writing helps... talking helps. It helps to be able to say that I feel like killing people. It helps to be able to go through a whole diatribe... bitch all about how life is pointless and I feel like blowing my head off. It helps to have the freedom to do that. Expression. It's a pressure release... it's the way I take my emotions, give them form, and allow them to be validated... and allow myself to be calmed.

Am I more homicidal than other people? Probably not. I just talk about it more... and I think that talking about it, in truth, makes me a whole hell of a lot safer to be around than most. If there's no pressure release, you may well eventually blow up. Stifling expression stifles the ability to choose.

I choose to write, to talk, and to maintain my freedom.