~By George, it must be 14!

...and then there was the time I went to High School...

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Feb. 11, 1984

Things happen so fast, but when they're through happening, it seems like years.

I guess Heather didn't love me as much as I thought she did. Maybe she did for a while, but not now.

So, I was shitted on again, lied to. Lies hurt. My life's in a bad way. I love Heather more than life itself. And you better believe it too, because for a while there it seemed like death was the only thing to stop my love for Boy George.

I was such a jerk to think that someone could actually love me as much as I loved them. No one ever has, no one ever will. Maybe somewhere down the road there'll be another Heather. Someone who I'll fall in love with and someone who will tell me she loves me. And then, she can shit on me and say she loves me when she really doesn't.

I love Heather, and I know that she didn't lie to me to hurt me. She lied to help.

I really shouldn't say that she shitted on me. Cause she has her own feelings too. But I'm just hurt, that's all.

There's something wrong with me. I think I'd better see a shrink. I mean, when I get angry or upset I hit walls until my knuckles split open, or I cut myself until I have 9 or 10 gashes.

When I try to talk lately, my words come out jumbled, and no where near to what I want to say. I feel so uncomfortable with myself, like, I just can't understand myself.

I used to be able to talk to Heather. Now every time when I talk, either over the phone or at school, there's so much uneasy silence.

Why the hell did I have to go and fall in love with a girl anyway? Why couldn't I have stayed the asshole I was. No love at all is better than having the ones who love you turn on you.

Maybe one day this shit will be over, and I'll be able to say to someone, "Thank you for making my life worthwhile." Maybe one day I'll be able to come home to a house where somebody loves me. And maybe one day, just maybe I'll be able to say to myself, "I made her life worthwhile and she loves me." It will be a her. That's one thing I'm sure of.