~The Holey Ghost

I suppose that I should answer the question of why I stayed with Drue, or wanted to be with her at all, and why I've often referred to her as the "love of my life" for the last 18 and a half years or so.

I want to say, "just do the math", but even I couldn't do the math, for a very long time. See, I first met Drue from being in band and orchestra, and I did have a bit of a crush on her, but I didn't fall in love with her until late '85. I don't remember the exact date, but I was sitting outside after Field Hockey practice one day, not wanting to go "home", not wanting to live. I had my knife in my hand. I don't know that I was actually going to do "it", or just slice myself up, as usual, but either way, I was not in a good place.

Drue and Cathy were good friends, and Drue was driving her home. The car stopped and they asked if I needed a ride somewhere. I said no. They drove off. My focus went back to my "task at hand".

The car came around again. This time Drue got out.

I quickly hid the knife and assured her that I'd be fine... that although the school was not in the best neighborhood, it was nothing to worry about, that I'd be catching the trolley in a bit. After being sure that I was sure, she got back in the car, and they drove off.

I sat for a bit, and put the knife back into my pocket. I then crossed the street, and caught the trolley.

The next day, I found Drue and thanked her repeatedly. She cared.

I fell in love.

Drue became life to me. She was every woman in the world to me. I wanted her. I wanted... needed someone who cared.

Even after the whole thing fell apart and ended... she became my ghost... the one everyone else had to compete with. It's not easy competing with a ghost. Ghosts don't make mistakes. Ghosts don't hurt you. They're always there when you need them and gone when you don't. The shit of a ghost just don't stink.

Drue ghost was perfect. Drue ghost always loved me, always cared, always told me that everything was going to be ok.

The truth? The reality of all of it? (...which I learned a while into my relationship with Drue, but chose not to look at...)

I had an affair with Drue ghost for more than 18 years.

It was actually Cathy who asked her to stop the first time, asked her to come back, and asked her to get out of the car.

Drue would have kept on going.