~Intensity

Slept a little. My dreams, the one I woke up from anyway, were troublesome. I was arguing with someone, not sure who... an older woman, maybe 60 or so, about something... I don't know... it's all chopped up in there... you know how dreams can get.

I'm glad that the shopping is out of the way. I feel pretty set with food. The KFC leftovers alone will last me a few days. I kept the bill down, not including KFC, to $50, which is a good thing.

Spent a lot of time talking with my brother about a lot of things... things that are going on in my life, things that are going on in his, the nature of the expanding and contracting universe... good conversation. He's 21. Life is rough. The twenties. The twenties SUCK SHIT. There's no other way to say it. True, life can suck shit in general, but there's just something really rough about the twenties. I'm sure that there's some sort of scientific mumbo jumbo that will explain it all... about what stages the brain goes through. Maybe it's worse for people with crappy childhood stuff in their background, I don't really know. Trying to explain to my brother that he's not a worthless piece of shit, that's difficult. He's not at the point yet where he realizes where it all comes from... all the insecurity and self loathing. He knows where it comes from, in a way, but not well enough to stop the damage from beating the hell out of him very often. He hasn't quite gotten to the point of realizing that the only reason he thinks he's a piece of shit is because the two most important people in his life who should have shown him otherwise, never did, and treated him like he was one... and they still do.

My brother's a smart kid. He has a lot going for him. He doesn't realize it though. A little guy with a loving heart, an emotional nature, and a lot of intensity doesn't feel like he has much to offer when he measures himself up against the rest of the big, cruel, cold, shallow guys out there, at his age. I told him not to worry though... once all the girls are tired of being treated like shitty pieces of meat, it's him they'll fall in love with. A whole shit load of good that does him now though. Right now, I may as well be telling him that there really is a tooth fairy.

I hate what my mother and his father did to him. I hate that he's hurting. He doesn't deserve it. Neither of us do.