~Tuning in

I guess that one of the main reasons I'm finding it so difficult to write about 15, other than the pain that comes flooding back when I think about it too hard, is because so much happened in such a short period of time. It feels like I could write a damn book just about that year.

I had an "awakening" in 1982. When I described it to my shrinkydink, I compared it to an old tv set... how when you turned it on, there was a flash, but then it took a while until the picture was clear. June 27, 1983, the tv was turned on. By November 5, 1984, the day I left home, the picture was crystal clear.

I often want to tell all the little details... all the stories and adventures. It's rare that I want to focus on the feelings. It's rare that I want to go into detail about what it was like living in that house before I left. That's the trauma part. It's like talking about being 7 or 8. I can talk about the fire, or the car accident, or my mother leaving, or my "father" leaving, or being hit, or what have you... but I can't talk about the way it felt. I can't get there... not without feeling it again.

Did you know that when my sister cried, my "father" used to stuff handkerchiefs down her throat to shut her up?

Never make noise. Noise will get you in trouble.