~Feel It

Just the thought of writing out the whole Drue story is enough to make me nauseas. That's what my life was about though... Drue, and suffering. It was twisted and wrong. In Drue's head, lesbians weren't "normal". She needed to see me as a girl though... I wasn't a "normal" guy... and she could easier deal with me being a lesbian than me being a guy that had an "F' on his ID and the "wrong" shit in his pants. We'd go out somewhere and people called me sir, and she "just couldn't see it". I don't think that she wanted to. If she saw me as a guy, she'd have to come up with another reason why she couldn't be with me... either that or defend me. People might find out she was loving a freak... and she might get a taste of the gutter. Guy freak or lesbian? Lesbian. With the lesbian, you get to keep the acceptable guy to bring to the prom.

She didn't break up with her boyfriend while (secretly, of course) seeing me. She didn't want to be "alone". Yeah, it felt pretty crappy and invalidating. She did look forward to when I could legally change my "sex", she even had a name all picked out for me. Society. She was a slave to it... and I just didn't fit into her picture. She was that school's equivalent of the head cheerleader... belonged to all the right activities, had all the right friends, was good at everything... and me? I was the school's "Bender". The fucked up one.

At the time, most of my writing was in letters to her. (Sadly, they're long gone now.) Her mom found them once. She made up some lie about how I was letting her read my journal, or something like that. Drue lied about me a lot. We'd have hours of sex, say I love yous, talk for hours... I was in love. Her? Well, I think that the problem was that her head was over her heart. She didn't want to lose her potential status. Drue loved me, I never doubted that, but she loved fitting in more.

True, I was a mess at the time. I was suicidal, anxiety ridden, depressed... in a tremendous amount of pain. I was doing everything I could to "do the right thing" by my parents, my teachers... Drue. It just all built up and overwhelmed me. I couldn't keep playing the game... I didn't even know what the game was anymore. I didn't know what I was anymore... who I was... where I belonged...

I knew pain. I knew rage. I knew obsession. I knew infatuation. I didn't know "me" though. I knew what everyone else was trying to make me... and it was all starting to blur... I started believing that I really was just an ugly girl who was unique... meant for closets and affairs. I was the other man/woman/thing... the one who was worth spreading your legs for, but not worth taking home to mom.

There might still be some dents in the lockers. I killed time in school, instead of going to class, beating them up.