~Heil Filter

Just checked the mail. Been in bed all morning... too depressed to risk writing. Had a nap... dreams were vivid.

It's warm out. Unseasonable.

A neighbor, or maybe the aide of a neighbor, was walking by as I went to check the mail. I said hello. I then thought about how racist I am... being that he's black, and so of course, I actually smiled and said "hello", rather than just grunting and nodding. The more I go through life, the more I realize this... If you're not white, I like you more upon first sight, than if you are. I guess it's a combination of things... the "minority" thing, and the fact that most white people suffer from that privilege virus. Snootyitus. They're fake... shallow... spoiled... programmed. I like some white people on first sight... enough to say hello... white people with lots of old tattoos, white people who are extremely overweight, white people in wheelchairs, white people who look like they know... that despite the color of their skin, they're still "minorities". The Judged. The Pre-labeled.

I want nothing to do with my next door neighbor... or with the majority of my neighbors in the complex... but downstairs, I think I saw a black woman. I want to be her friend.

She might have stories to tell... she might judge me, but that's ok. I'm sure that, in many ways, I have indeed had it easier than her. She's from another time... and she has black skin. My shit? My shit ain't nuthin'. I can wear sleeves over my skin colors, if I have to. I can avoid doctors and bathrooms and cops and hospitals... and anyone who may harm me due to what my body looks like, if I have to. If someone does harm me... times have changed, and still are changing. I can fight... I can run my mouth, in certain places, and not get beat for it. I can blend. I can fake it, if I have to. The old lady downstairs?... she doesn't just act like she knows... she actually does know. She knows what it's like to have to... and more than that... she knows what it's like to have to, and not be able to.

I've made a lot of assumptions about the woman... just based on her skin color. That makes me racist.


The aide just walked by my window. I'm almost sure he must be an aide. He has a walkman on... and he's singing to himself... walking back and forth to the washing machines. My window is open, so I can hear him singing quite well...

"If you gave me half a chance you'd see
My desire burning inside of me..."


You go girl.


--------------------------------------

p.s. - I'm sexist as well as racist. People who look like they are "women" get an immediate extra point too. That just crossed my mind, so I figured I'd add it in. Not that the aide did. He was quite manly in appearance, until I recognized the song he was singing, and from one FAG to another, I had the right to post what I did.

If you're born a "female", or if you are in any way seen as one... you know. ...and this... I know.