~Sick and Tired

I ended up taking the Seroquel last night. The side effects just got me to a place where I couldn't deal. When it wears off, I get pissed off. I just couldn't deal, so I took it. Tonight, I think that I'll pop a Valium if the rage gets too bad. Another day like today and I'm gonna snap. What little functionality I do have, I value. I'm not going to toss it out the window for a drug that seems to be doing nothing positive, and too much negative. If Neurodude wants to try me on Neurontin (How conceited, to name a drug after himself like that!) again, we can discuss it at my next appointment. I need a break from all the drugs.

Though, on just the Inderal, I ended up having to go to the ER. I don't want to have to do that again. I HAVE to be able to sleep. I just don't want to be a gork 23 hours a day.

The reality is that, more and more often, it's looking like gorkdom is the way I'll have to spend my life. That fact isn't sitting well with me. I don't think that I can do it.

When I say that I'm tired, it's not just that I'm physically tired. I'm tired on all levels. I'm tired of living a life where it takes all my energy just to exist. It's an effort to bathe. It's an effort to eat.

I push myself to write. I'm alive. I want to DO something. If writing is all I can handle, then so be it... but if I lose the ability to do that? Fucking shoot me. If I can't make it to this here computer, then my life is done. This is what I do. It's how I fool myself into thinking that I matter. I'm not going to take a drug that will cause me to be unable to do this. It's scary enough dealing with a disease that might.

Sick of being tired, and tired of being sick.