~You can't see a nod online.

I'm not going to write this with the intention of putting it on my blog, but I'm going to type it, rather than write it into my journal, just in case.

It's November. I can pretty safely say that anyone who knows me, knows to "duck" in November. It's not just that I'm oversensitive, it goes a little deeper than that. In the past, I used to call myself a "raw nerve". That was before I had an actual/correct diagnosis, and found out that my nerves were indeed raw.

It's that time of year. EVERYTHING offends me. I don't trust ANYONE. It's ALL very personal.

I wrote an entry on my blog, the other day. Not that it was the best entry I've ever written, but because it's November, it branched out a bit. See... I branch out a bit in November. My raw nerves become RAW NERVES. The same thing can be said for my perception though. Don't lie, and don't try to cover your tracks. You just look like a complete idiot to me.

Anyway... this entry was going off into Novemberland, and then, in reply, I got dead silence. No, my blog is not all about getting comments. If you look back, as many have, there are many entries without comments. I didn't have a problem then... and the fact that my latest entry got no comments WASN'T the problem. The problem is that something as mundane as stuffing and meatballs somehow got 16 of them, and a few days later, something having to do with something REAL got none.

My blog gets a lot of hits. There are many people who read my blog and have never said a peep. I value these people greatly. Too, I value the people who do comment. This isn't about anyone in particular, it's about the reality of it all. The reality is that people are more than happy to discuss meatballs, but when it comes to anything resembling "profound", no one wants to go there, unless I throw a fit.

I went through it for years on message boards. I'd attempt to get "real", and people would pull up chairs and eat popcorn. It made me NUTS.

Ordinarily though, I can stifle. I practiced stifling, because my fits were getting to be a bit much, even for me. I just learned to "let it go", even if it was only in writing. I don't really care if people don't comment. ...but this is NOVEMBER. EVERYTHING is a thousand times more blown out of proportion. Right now, the reason why people didn't comment is because they really don't give a rat's ass about ME. They care, but only if I discuss things they can relate to, like cooking and what's on tv. If I go into my theories on life, or write out what is being told to me by my ghosts... nope.

NO. I DO NOT CARE IF THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!!

That's the way it FEELS to me. My nerves are RAW.

It's odd, how that works. It's ok to be sick, but it's not ok if the symptoms of your illness cause you to come off as being a complete delusional ASSHOLE.

I said this before, in my online life... I'm allowed to be an asshole here. It's MY blog. What am I supposed to do? Ban myself?

I do the best I can to keep myself in check. I try really hard to think about how what I write will affect people. I actually DO CARE how what I write affects people.

So... when I get silence in response to something I write which I really care a lot about, in the same week as 16 comments about stuffing...

Well? How exactly would you take it?


I'm sure this will get a lot of reads... and I'm sure that most people will take it really personally. Sorry. If you don't know me by now...