~Stuff It

ok, here's the recipe...

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You need:

4 stalks celery
11 oz. scallions
about 1 1/2 loaves of white bread (family size)
turkey giblet pack
2 sticks butter
salt, pepper, garlic powder
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rinse and chop celery and scallions very small
- put tops and cut offs (celery leaves, wilty scallion tips, etc.) into a pot

- put a bandaid on the blister
- sit down for a minute

- try not to lose bandaid while prying open the still frozen turkey

- watch your language

- retrieve the giblets

If your turkey doesn't come with giblets, use turkey liver, if you can find it
(If you're violently opposed to eating organ meat, cook them anyway, and just skip adding them in (see below))
- put them into the pot with the tops and cut offs
- fill pot with water and start boiling


- Melt 1 stick of butter into a pot (spaghetti pot should do)
- add celery and scallions
- cook on low
- add another stick of butter after about 15 minutes
- keep cooking, covered, until celery is soft (keep checking and stirring)
- uncover
- add salt, pepper, garlic powder (to taste)

- while all that's going on, start breaking bread. Don't eat the bread, just break it.
Personally, I cut the bread, rather than breaking it. It's faster.
Start with about a loaf and a half, but have extra on hand
It should be like Wonder Bread, only "Butter Top", and make sure it's fresh.
Stale bread, even a day old, will kill the whole thing. Try to get the bread on the same day you use it.
Basically, if it would make a good tasty bread ball, it should make for good, tasty stuffing

- do not drop cigarette ashes into bread
that sucks

- Retrieve the cooked giblets from the pot, save the stock.
- mince them (people usually don't like organ meat, so mince them to one step above pâté. (is that how you spell that?))
- mix in with the cooked greens
- turn the greens off (don't even go there)

- Stir/fold in the bread

- Take breaks.
Your wrist will hurt tomorrow.

The end product should be almost "doughy"... it should stick together
- Keep mixing until you can't see bread chunks, and it's not looking too green
- If it's too wet, add bread. If it's too dry, add stock

- Kill turkey
(If turkey is already dead, cursing should do)

- Stuff some stuffing into turkey

- curse at the turkey

- discover what 25 feet of foil looks like rolling across your kitchen floor

- curse at the foil

- put leftover stuffing in fridge for later, but eat some. dinner is a long way off.

- curse at the turkey again

- Don't kill Cutter.

- Change your bandaid.

- Have a cigarette and think about a beer.
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Serves: a lot of hungry people, but it doesn't serve itself.
Cooking and prep. time: 3 fucking hours
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I'm outa here. Bunny told me to go blow when I asked if he would do the dishes, Nessie kicked me, and Harold gave me the finger.