~I know this road

So, the Neurontin doesn't do a damn thing. Other than feeling nauseous, dizzy, and my teeth hurting, no change. Bummer.

Although some things seem to be improving, other things are popping up. My legs have been a lot better lately. That's something, I guess. On the down side though, my right arm is obviously tuned into some disco station which I can't hear. It started with the ring finger, this morning, and then moved into the forearm as well. It's this pulsey, twitchy thing. It's visible. It's freaky.

I feel really tired, right now. I'm making coffee. That probably won't help my yucky stomach, but I can't really care. I don't want alcohol. I don't want juice. I don't want water. I don't want tea. I want something to drink. Coffee it is. As if I care whether or not it'll "keep me up". I don't sleep anyway, so I don't see that it matters.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head... opinions, theories, rants, musings... a lot that I want to vomit out onto the screen. Yet, here I sit, unable to do anything but whine about my latest ailments. Some people are satisfied with just saying "ouch". Me? I have to turn it into a fucking thesis. blah blah blah. caw Caw CAW!

It really freaks me out that I knew that I had this, even before I knew I had this.

I have a very extensive background with Magick. If I choose to, I can use the "Priest" title. I find it pretentious though, and Magick? I simply don't care to go there anymore.

A number of years ago, I spent a lot of time doing "automatic writing". There was one session, where I was being told, over and over again, that there was something wrong with my head. Yeah. No duh. ...but no, it wasn't like that. Again and again, it pointed/said there was something literally about my head that was causing me the problems I was experiencing. It ended... I gave up, after what was being drawn alluded to my mother dropping me on my head. Did my mother drop me on my head, when I was a child? Not that I'm aware of. "There's something wrong with your head that has been present since you were a child." Yes. This is true.

So, did the spirits try to tell me that I had MS, or did I know? Was it me, or was it not me? All I did was hold the writing implement... hover it. I did not attempt to move it. It just moved. That's the way it works. It can be argued that a person's subconscious moves the pen... that there are teeny tiny muscle movements, even though you think that you're not moving your hand. (Ever use a Ouija board?) I'm fine with those arguments. Either way, it freaks me out. Whether the spirits knew, or I did, doesn't matter. Whether I'm seeing ghosts or hallucinating doesn't matter. Whether or not I'm remembering past lives or creating stories in my head doesn't matter. The reality is still the same, either way.

If you get really quiet, and really still... the truth will come. If you follow the path of breadcrumbs, you'll arrive at your destination. It doesn't matter who put the crumbs there. They're there for you.

If you listen, your God will talk to you.