~Aware

6:17 AM - 3/13/06

I've been up for a few hours. Passed out, after spending the evening getting drunk and typing on ~blurt. It's a poor replacement for a "night out", but hey... at least I can "hear" the conversations I have.

Found out from R. that the ~blog hit counter had a bug in it. I was relieved to find that out. My paranoia was starting to really get to me. My hits were going backwards all the time. I just couldn't figure out how, in the course of 24 hours, I'd not only lose all the hits from that day, but hits from the previous day as well. From what he said, it's fixed now. I sure hope so. It was killing me on my low self esteem days.

Now, I just have to figure out who the hell "Deleted" is. It can't be a real ~blog user. Yesterday, "Deleted" hit me 41 times... in 2 minutes. I'm just WAY too paranoid for that user name. I keep checking my archives, hoping that my entries aren't somehow magically disappearing.

Out of all the MS crap I deal with, the paranoia has to be the most debilitating. Paranoia is pretty evil. If you think that everyone is "out to get you", who do you go to in order to ground yourself? "Everyone" is EVERYONE.

When my brain is really bad, the paranoia hooks up with the "everything is ugly and rotten", and then the rage comes along to ice the cake. Sometimes, megalomania becomes the "cherry on top", and then it all gets placed on a platter of hallucinations.

I think that if you gave everyone in jail an MRI, you'd be amazed at how many "criminals" actually have MS.