Should've brought my journal along. Try to stay calm, get through another night. My head spins and spins. Feel as if I could vomit. Disgusted with life, with people, with myself. Pour more beer down my throat expecting, as always, that my depression will be washed away. After so many years of depression you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not. I hate it. My head pounds. How long before this hell stops? Day after day, night after night, same shit. Sleep offers little real rest. All night I wake up. How do people do it? Keep going and going. I even write the same shit over and over. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Complain about how fucked up I am. All is blurred. Even the lines between sex and violence are blurred. So much anger, rage, violence. I feel like I'm ready to explode. In a way, I wish I would. Maybe it would eliminate some of the pressure. I can't stop my head. The thoughts just keep going around and around. Feel the pressure up my spine, in my neck and head. Like a cat ready to pounce. Pounce on what? My own brain? I feel like I must be insane. People say that if you think you're insane that you're not. So, how do I explain the state of my being? Feel so tired. Came out tonight to kill time, occupy my head. Still it spins. What the fuck is wrong with me? What's it gonna take to get "normal"? Have I ever been "normal"? Was I normal with L., or just shut down? So pissed at myself lately for blowing that stability. It's my own fault I lost her. Had I known what was in store... Will I value these last couple years some day? I just wish it would stop. Can't I get some sort of break? Wish I were sleeping. Wish I could rest my sore brain. Sleep sleep sleep.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
~Black Hole Son
9:38 PM - 3/19/06
1994
Should've brought my journal along. Try to stay calm, get through another night. My head spins and spins. Feel as if I could vomit. Disgusted with life, with people, with myself. Pour more beer down my throat expecting, as always, that my depression will be washed away. After so many years of depression you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not. I hate it. My head pounds. How long before this hell stops? Day after day, night after night, same shit. Sleep offers little real rest. All night I wake up. How do people do it? Keep going and going. I even write the same shit over and over. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Complain about how fucked up I am. All is blurred. Even the lines between sex and violence are blurred. So much anger, rage, violence. I feel like I'm ready to explode. In a way, I wish I would. Maybe it would eliminate some of the pressure. I can't stop my head. The thoughts just keep going around and around. Feel the pressure up my spine, in my neck and head. Like a cat ready to pounce. Pounce on what? My own brain? I feel like I must be insane. People say that if you think you're insane that you're not. So, how do I explain the state of my being? Feel so tired. Came out tonight to kill time, occupy my head. Still it spins. What the fuck is wrong with me? What's it gonna take to get "normal"? Have I ever been "normal"? Was I normal with L., or just shut down? So pissed at myself lately for blowing that stability. It's my own fault I lost her. Had I known what was in store... Will I value these last couple years some day? I just wish it would stop. Can't I get some sort of break? Wish I were sleeping. Wish I could rest my sore brain. Sleep sleep sleep.
Should've brought my journal along. Try to stay calm, get through another night. My head spins and spins. Feel as if I could vomit. Disgusted with life, with people, with myself. Pour more beer down my throat expecting, as always, that my depression will be washed away. After so many years of depression you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not. I hate it. My head pounds. How long before this hell stops? Day after day, night after night, same shit. Sleep offers little real rest. All night I wake up. How do people do it? Keep going and going. I even write the same shit over and over. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Complain about how fucked up I am. All is blurred. Even the lines between sex and violence are blurred. So much anger, rage, violence. I feel like I'm ready to explode. In a way, I wish I would. Maybe it would eliminate some of the pressure. I can't stop my head. The thoughts just keep going around and around. Feel the pressure up my spine, in my neck and head. Like a cat ready to pounce. Pounce on what? My own brain? I feel like I must be insane. People say that if you think you're insane that you're not. So, how do I explain the state of my being? Feel so tired. Came out tonight to kill time, occupy my head. Still it spins. What the fuck is wrong with me? What's it gonna take to get "normal"? Have I ever been "normal"? Was I normal with L., or just shut down? So pissed at myself lately for blowing that stability. It's my own fault I lost her. Had I known what was in store... Will I value these last couple years some day? I just wish it would stop. Can't I get some sort of break? Wish I were sleeping. Wish I could rest my sore brain. Sleep sleep sleep.
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