~Here they come to snuff the rooster

11:22 PM - 3/17/06

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1992

     Writing comes easier to me than speaking sometimes,and so I'm writing. I feel dead locked. Maybe I'm at critical mass, the point in transition where the only step left is to decide your path. I have so many personal issues to work out. But then, who doesn't? I think that I'll always be "working on something" with myself, attempting to better myself, but this "transition" goes beyond simple self improvement.
     Places flood my waking and dream thoughts - quick flashes of houses or buildings that I've been in. The feel of the hospital waiting area I sat in while my mother took my newborn baby brother for a check up. The living room of an ex-lover. The barn on the farm in Kentucky where I lived and worked for a summer. - Quick flashes, but many of them, continuously flood my thoughts. I wonder why my brain is doing this sub-conscious rewind. Perhaps it's an attempt to drift back even further. Perhaps it's sleep deprivation. Or perhaps it's just simple boredom.
     "Magick" calls to me. The call is so loud that it drowns out the call of my music and art-work. Split second dream premonitions taunt me, saying, "You can develop and use this" Tarot cards hold blank images, saying, "You're passing through this" The pentagram on my wrist swells in the heat, reminding me of its presence. I cannot remember yesterday, yet I can remember years ago, lives ago. My perception is struggling to stay within "normal" boundaries.
     I am reminded of a conversation in which I was told to "enjoy" this phase of transition. However, at this moment in time, I am too numb to enjoy anything.
     LSD creates a spiral effect. First you're spiraling around reality, then reality spirals around you. This is a feeling quite similar, but it's more like reality spiraling around you and you spiraling around it at the same time.
     Did that happen, or was it a dream? I was given a name and a talisman. A very strong Native American gave this to me and then said, "You have the strength of the expression of the Great Bear." I am the wolf, so who or what is the bear? Perhaps it is merely the spirit of this land welcoming me, creating - or attempting to create a connection with my essence like the ones I have with Britain, Ireland, and Germany.
     "Lunch" is over. I have to get back to functioning or I will starve and freeze this coming winter.
     It was not "The strength of the Great Bear", but the "strength of the expression of..." What is the expression of the Great Bear? More so, what is the Great Bear, and why does its expression translate into strength for me? Is the bear another person, or a spirit? Somehow I know the answers. That Native American man put the answers within me somewhere.
     How is it that I question the bear but not the man? Perhaps the man is what I should be questioning. Doubt. A recent reading told me that I could use doubt to my advantage.
     It's hard to put any weight into my readings, because like I said, the cards appear blank.
     Much has been suggested by the face value about a woman coming into my life, and its been told to me also that someone will cause me to desire to travel this month.
     What is going on in my mind? Is someone testing me? Is someone testing their own power on me? I feel a pull, but cannot tell whether the pull is coming from without or within. Must I identify it before I give into it?