...I guess that I'm expecting too much from her if I expect her to put up with my depression. I guess I don't get it. My depression, unfortunately, is a part of who I am, so am I really asking too much if I ask her to deal with me when I'm depressed? She's always made it clear to me that she "won't stand for" my slashing. That alone makes me nervous. I slash. It happens. It hurts, I slash, it helps. Smashing and slashing are the only two things that work. So what do I do when the pain hits? Do I self destruct because I must hold back? or do I let go and risk losing her. When the time comes I guess that I'll handle it then instead of worrying now. I just feel it coming on, so I'm trying to think it through.
No one understands my slashing. Some relate to the smashing. I try and try to explain, but no one gets it. No one understands that the only reason I don't do it more often these days is because I'm scared of being locked up and scared of loved ones abandoning me. Not because I don't want to or because I think it's wrong...
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