~here comes the Spring

6:46 PM - 3/27/06

I'm not doing well. This I know. I'm trying really hard though. Trying not to let fear get in there and make things worse than they actually are.

I go back and forth between rage and delusion... keep questioning reality... keep second guessing myself.

My head races and races, and then I drink to try to slow it down, and then I feel guilty for drinking, and then I start hearing all those voices in the back of my head... the ones that, to this day, will fingerpoint the alcohol. I know that it's not the alcohol. The alcohol actually helps me sometimes, but that doesn't stop those voices in the back of my mind... the ones who will go to any lengths to prove themselves right. They want nothing more than for it to actually be the alcohol. That way they can forgive themselves for how they've treated me. More than anything, they want to have some sort of proof that I somehow did this to myself... that they were right all along.

In the end, the truth always comes out. I find it best to just stay honest. That way I never have to keep track of my lies. The reason why I can't sleep at night is because I have MS.

What's your excuse?