~reflection

9:19 AM - 3/22/06

It's not so much about remembering, it's about gaining perspective.

If I think back twenty years, I remember what I did... and I remember why I thought I did what I did. What I have now is a better understanding of myself. The reasons why I did what I did were a whole hell of a lot deeper than I thought.

Back then, I saw it as being about simple po ssessiveness, and also because she told me that he had all but raped her. Now, I also realize that I hated him because he threatened my masculinity. Yes, she did tell me that he did that to her, but she was still dating him, and also sleeping with me.

I had some serious issues with guys in the past. Hated almost all of them. Too, every time I started having feelings for a guy, I'd flip out. Because I felt my own masculinity was threatened, I couldn't be too close to a guy.

I think that a lot of guys are like that though. It's at the root of "homophobia". "Am I less of a man because I want to fuck you?" "Am I less of a man because I want you to fuck me?"

We live in a very insecure society, us Americans. It's dangerous. Often, insecurity causes people to kill other people.

I think that most of the leaders in our society depend on that.



(sorry about the odd spaces between letters. I keep trying, but I can't get them to go away.)