~Innocence Bleeding

9:45 PM - 3/23/06

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1998

            So, I'm out... Cheap Art. I was hungry. I was also right. The people around me are nauseating. It's so hard to shut things out lately. I guess that's why I'm so fucked up. The more that gets to me, the more I lose it. I'm trying to stay calm... really I am, but even the music is nauseating. Booga booga booga music. Should've just gone to Wawa... avoided the nausea. But, I didn't, and here I am. Nauseated.
      What the fuck should I do? I really can't go on like this. I'll either kill someone... some people... because killing one is dumb... if you kill, you kill. - or just kill myself. Where's the out? DON'T KILL HIM. WANT TO. DON'T! Wonder what life in jail would be like. Wonder how soon I'd be killed. Wonder if I care.
      Drink more. Seems stupid to buy beer here when I have 7 left at home. Oh well.
      I'm tired of being insane. LOBOTOMY!
      The waiter asks what happened to my arm. "I got cut.", I say. True enough. What he doesn't know can't confuse him. Part of me yells "You cut me, you son of a bitch... you and the rest of your kind. Keep it up dumb ass!". But my lips stay still.
      Try to laugh, try to laugh. Smile, even though it feels like it'll kill you. I try. I try.
      Guess I'll eat now.