~Don't flash me.

11:54 AM - 3/25/06

Out of all the things about MS and me I should discuss, my "extreme photosensitivity" is at the top of the list.

Before my diagnosis, I was left to figure out for myself why cameras made me go bonkers. Flashing lights in general make me go bonkers, but the unexpected flash of a camera goes above and beyond "bonkers", and the older I get, the worse it has gotten. I was very creative with what I came up with as reasons why I had problems with having my picture taken, and with flashing lights in general. No matter what the reason of the week was though, I always made it clear to people that they should never take my picture.

I think that it works the same way in many people with MS as it does with many people who have Epilepsy. The flash or flashing of light does something really screwy with the brain. The result is, basically, a seizure.

Seizures are not just like you see on tv and in the movies. Seizures can look like the person is just staring off into space, just as often as they can look like the person might be infested with Mexican Jumping Beans. There are all types of seizures. Sometimes it just looks like the person is freaking out. They can last for a few minutes, or a few seconds.

All I knew, before my diagnosis, was that taking my picture without warning me was a VERY VERY bad idea. Again, I always warned people. I guess that a lot of people didn't take me too seriously though. Perhaps they thought I just had to get over my "issues" or thought it was funny to see me get riled up. It's not funny, and it's not about issues. ...although I will have an issue if you take my picture, even without a flash, simply because I asked you not to, but that's just because I am who I am. Disrespecting me is not something I tolerate. I think too highly of myself, and with things like this, I don't fuck around.

If I know that the flash is about to go off, I can either prepare myself, or avoid the area. If I don't, it's dangerous, and it's not just dangerous to me.

There's at least one person who reads my blog who can attest to this... I can completely snap, if I don't know what's coming and a flash of light goes off in my eyes. I can get bad sometimes even if I do know it's coming, especially if it's repeated flashing. It's just not a good scene in the least, most times, so I try my hardest to avoid anything that might flash or flicker.

Dealing with Internet pop up ads, and flashing banners and graphics, is just a part of life. Even the cursor, flashing as I type this, is doing something funky with my head. I hate it. It fucks me up. I deal. ...alone, in the privacy of my own home. Cameras though, involve other people, and public places. It's dangerous.

Simply put, my messed up MS brain interprets a flash of light as someone or something attacking me. That's about as clearly as I can explain it.

I told you that I almost killed someone because of this disease. I meant it very literally.

I snapped out of it before he turned blue.

All he did was take my picture.